20 Funny Groom Tips to Survive Marriage (And Stay Happy!)

Newlywed couple playfully holding wedding rings.

20 Funny Groom Tips to Survive Marriage (And Stay Happy!)

Marriage is one of life’s greatest adventures. It’s a rollercoaster ride filled with love, laughter, compromise, and, let’s be honest, learning when to just smile and say, “Yes, dear.”

While traditional marriage advice tells you about love, respect, and communication (all important, by the way), nobody really gives you the funny but essential survival guide every groom needs.

That’s where this list comes in. Follow these 20 commandments, and you’ll not only survive but thrive in marriage.

Table of Contents

  1. Marriage Is a Hilarious Adventure

  2. 20 Funny (But True) Commandments Every Groom Should Know

    • Thou Shalt Master the Magic Words: "Yes, Dear"

    • Thou Shalt Never Win an Argument

    • Thou Shalt Always Overestimate Her Getting-Ready Time

    • Thou Shalt Decode the Secret Language of “Fine” and “Do Whatever You Want”

    • Thou Shalt Bring Food When She’s Hangry

    • Thou Shalt Always Notice Her Haircut

    • Thou Shalt Never Joke About Her Weight

    • Thou Shalt Always Have a Plan for Date Night

    • Thou Shalt Be Ready for Emotional Rollercoasters

    • Thou Shalt Help with Chores Without Being Asked

    • Thou Shalt Accept That “We” Have Plans

    • Thou Shalt Embrace the Art of Compromise

    • Thou Shalt Never Buy Thoughtless Gifts

    • hou Shalt Never Forget Important Dates

    • Thou Shalt Choose the Perfect Wedding Ring Material

    • Thou Shalt Consider Matching Wedding Bands (or Not)

    • Thou Shalt Seek Relationship Advice from the Right Sources

    • Thou Shalt Seek Relationship Advice from the Right Sources

    • Thou Shalt Give Her Space When She Needs It

    • Thou Shalt Keep the Fun Alive in Marriage
  3. Marriage Is an Adventure—Enjoy the Ride!
Stone tablet listing 20 humorous marriage commandments.

1. Thou Shalt Master the Magic Words: "Yes, Dear"

You may enter marriage thinking you’ll have long, intellectual discussions that lead to mutual agreements. Wrong. The faster you learn to say, “Yes, dear,” the smoother your life will be.

Now, this doesn’t mean you lose your opinions—just that you learn to pick your battles. And trust me, most battles aren’t worth fighting.

2. Thou Shalt Never Win an Argument

Winning an argument in marriage is like winning a game of Jenga—sure, you pulled off a miracle, but everything will collapse in a matter of seconds.

Instead of aiming to win, aim to understand. A great marriage is about working as a team, not scoring points. Besides, if you “win” an argument, you’re just going to “lose” in other ways. (Cold shoulder, anyone?)

If you ever need actual relationship advice, check out 12 Pieces of Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need—trust me, you’ll thank me later.

3. Thou Shalt Always Overestimate Her Getting-Ready Time

If she says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, that’s a trap—double or triple that number.

The trick? Tell her the event starts 30 minutes earlier than it actually does. This ensures you arrive on time instead of making dramatic apologies to your friends.

Husband comforting his upset wife with a hug.

4. Thou Shalt Decode the Secret Language of "Fine" and "Do Whatever You Want"

When she says, "It’s fine," what she really means is “figure out what’s wrong before I have to spell it out.

”When she says, "Do whatever you want," understand that you better do exactly what she wants—or else.

5. Thou Shalt Bring Food When She’s Hangry

If your wife suddenly seems irritated, check if she’s eaten.

Hunger can turn the sweetest woman into a fire-breathing dragon. Keep emergency snacks in your car, your home, and your pockets.

6. Thou Shalt Always Notice Her Haircut

If she gets a haircut, you better notice. Even if it's just a trim, react like she walked out of a celebrity salon.

Wrong reaction: “Oh, did you do something different?”


Right reaction: “Wow! You look amazing!”

Compliments are free, but their impact lasts forever.

Man surprising wife with breakfast in bed.

7. Thou Shalt Never Joke About Her Weight

Never, and I mean never, joke about her weight—even if she does first.

If she ever asks, “Do I look good in this?”, the only correct answer is “You look absolutely gorgeous.” Anything else is dangerous territory.

8. Thou Shalt Always Have a Plan for Date Night

Marriage doesn’t mean date nights are over. Keeping the romance alive is your responsibility too.

If you’re out of ideas, check out 12 Pieces of Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need for tips on keeping things fresh.

Hint: A surprise picnic or cooking dinner together works wonders.

9. Thou Shalt Be Ready for Emotional Rollercoasters

One minute, she’s fine. The next, she’s crying over a dog food commercial.

Your job? Hug her. Pass tissues. Say nothing.

Happy couple having a playful picnic outdoors.

10. Thou Shalt Help with Chores Without Being Asked

If you want your wife to fall in love with you all over again, don’t just say it—show it.

Clean the kitchen without being asked, remember the small details she shares, and put in the effort to make her feel cherished every single day.

11. Thou Shalt Accept That "We" Have Plans

You will discover that your wife makes plans for both of you.

You might find out about them at the last minute. Instead of resisting, embrace it. It’ll save you a lot of arguments.

12. Thou Shalt Embrace the Art of Compromise

Want to watch the game? Cool. But you might have to watch a rom-com first.

Marriage is about balance. Find ways to compromise without making it feel like a sacrifice.

Couple doing laundry together.

13. Thou Shalt Never Buy Thoughtless Gifts

Telling her, “I almost got you this” is like saying, “I almost cared enough to follow through.”

Next time, just buy the gift.Listen when she casually mentions things she likes—then surprise her later.

14. Thou Shalt Never Forget Important Dates

Anniversaries, birthdays, and the day you first met—these are sacred.

Set reminders. Write them down. There are no excuses.

15. Thou Shalt Choose the Perfect Wedding Ring Material

Your wife will wear this forever. Make sure you choose wisely.

If you’re unsure, read Find the Perfect Wedding Ring Material before making your final decision.

16. Thou Shalt Consider Matching Wedding Bands (or Not)

Some couples love matching rings, others don’t.

If you’re debating, check out Matching Wedding Bands? Here’s How to Decide to see if it’s right for you.

17. Thou Shalt Seek Relationship Advice from the Right Sources

That single friend who gives you advice? Ignore him.

Instead, check out 12 Pieces of Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need for real, helpful advice.

18. Thou Shalt Plan Your Finances Together

Money fights are real. Sit down, plan a budget, and communicate about finances before they become a problem.

19. Thou Shalt Give Her Space When She Needs It

Sometimes, she just needs alone time.

Give her space without taking it personally. It’s healthy.

20. Thou Shalt Keep the Fun Alive in Marriage

Laughter is the glue of a strong marriage.

Flirt. Laugh. Try new things together. Marriage isn’t just about love—it’s about having fun.

Marriage Is an Adventure—Enjoy the Ride!

Marriage isn’t about being perfect—it’s about growing together, laughing together, and figuring it out as you go.

Follow these commandments, and you’ll be on your way to a happy, healthy, and hilarious marriage.

And remember: "Yes, dear" is the ultimate cheat code.

Top 5 FAQs for Grooms Before Marriage

1. How do I handle disagreements in marriage?

Disagreements are normal. They’re bound to happen when two unique individuals share their lives. But how you handle these disagreements sets the tone for your entire marriage.

  • Stay Calm: Avoid raising your voice or reacting impulsively. Stay composed, even if emotions run high.
  • Listen actively: Let your wife express her thoughts fully. Listen to understand her perspective, not just to respond.

  • Acknowledge her feelings even if you disagree. Validation is often the first step toward resolution.

  • Take breaks when needed. If things get heated, suggest stepping away briefly and revisiting the conversation later, once emotions have cooled.

  • Focus on solutions, not blame. It’s you and her vs. the problem—not you vs. her.

Always remember: A healthy disagreement ends in understanding, not victory.

2. What’s the best way to surprise my wife?

Surprising your wife is less about extravagance and more about thoughtfulness and paying attention to details.

  • Listen carefully when she casually mentions something she likes. Women often hint about their preferences subtly.

  • Personalized gestures:
    Write love notes, prepare her favorite meal, or revisit a special place from your dating days. Personalized touches show that you truly care.

  • Acts of service:
    Sometimes, the best surprise is simply handling things she normally worries about—such as cooking dinner or doing chores unexpectedly.

  • Random gestures:
    Occasionally surprise her with small, thoughtful gifts or experiences. It doesn’t have to be expensive—just meaningful.

  • Plan Ahead:
    If planning isn’t your strength, set calendar reminders to regularly do something special for her. It shows intention, thoughtfulness, and effort.

Surprises show that you never take her for granted and always prioritize your relationship.

3. What’s the secret to a happy marriage?

The secret to a happy marriage isn’t hidden—it’s just consistently practiced:

  • Patience:
    Every marriage faces challenges. Patience allows room for growth and understanding without unnecessary frustration or resentment.

  • Humor:
    Keep things lighthearted. Laugh at yourselves and don’t take things too seriously. It can diffuse tension and remind you both of your connection.

  • Open Communication:
    Always talk about your feelings and concerns openly. Never assume your spouse can read your mind (spoiler: they can’t).

  • Respect:
    Mutual respect is crucial. Always speak kindly and avoid harsh words—even in heated moments.

  • Teamwork:
    Remember, you’re teammates. Approach problems together as partners instead of opponents.

These simple yet powerful strategies can transform your marriage into a deeply rewarding partnership.

4. What do I do if she’s upset?

When your spouse is upset, your response can either soothe or escalate the situation. Here’s your game plan:

  • Listen First:
    Your instinct might be to fix things immediately, but sometimes, your partner just needs someone to listen. Give her your undivided attention.

  • Show Empathy:
    Acknowledge her emotions clearly: “It makes sense you'd feel that way.” This shows you’re listening and genuinely care.

  • Offer Physical Comfort:
    A warm hug or holding her hand can provide comfort without words.

  • Don’t Minimize Her Feelings:
    Even if her emotions seem exaggerated to you, never dismiss them. Validate her feelings.

  • Bring Snacks:
    It sounds silly, but comfort food really does help. A favorite snack or drink can show thoughtfulness and can lighten her mood significantly.

5. How do I choose the perfect wedding ring material?

Choosing the right wedding ring material is critical, and there are many factors to consider:

  • Lifestyle:
    Active grooms should consider durable metals such as titanium, tungsten, or platinum. Each material has its benefits—some resist scratches, others shine brilliantly forever.

  • Budget:
    Precious metals like gold and platinum have timeless appeal, but modern materials like tungsten, titanium, or silicone bands can be budget-friendly and practical.

  • Comfort:
    Think about your daily routine. If you’re active, you might prefer lighter materials like titanium or silicone.

  • Maintenance:
    Some materials require regular polishing and upkeep (like white gold), while others (like tungsten) require very little care.

  • Sentimentality:
    Consider metals or materials that carry significance—such as matching family heirlooms or materials that symbolize something special in your relationship.

Check out Find the Perfect Wedding Ring Material for an in-depth comparison.

Ready to tie the knot? Discover 20 funny groom tips to survive marriage (and stay happy!)—guaranteed to keep your marriage full of laughs and lasting love.

Scott Zimmerman
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